Being Honest

This time, I admit, I am out of ideas regarding what blog should I write about.

The past week has been a real drag for me.

- A horror flick that almost caused me 2 sleepless nights;
- A migraine that surfaces on the most unexpected places and times;
- Busted job interviews;
- The death of our family’s last surviving dog, Tigger;
- Unexpected rain showers;
- A past ex-boyfriend that pops out of nowhere and bugs me out even in the middle of the night;
- And lastly, a supposed-to-be enjoyable docufest that ended up in a whole day of cheesy movie marathon with a sick cousin.

Oh Great!
Just the perfect things to bug me out for the whole weekend.

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I know everybody has experienced this thing that I’m going to discuss.

It’s about being alone and not having anyone – even the closest people you have met in your life – to be on your side.

And I mean, literally, BE on your side.

I’ve been dealing with this kind of depression for a long time now. I’m not sure if any of my friends or my family notices it, but it’s true.
I have been under this state of my life for the past 5 years.

Now, I’m spilling this out not because I want those people who read my blog to empathize with me. Compassion is well appreciated but the fact that you read my blog is more than welcome.

I am writing this because I wanted to.
And this is the only way to pour out some, if not all, of the things I’ve been keeping inside me for half the decade.

.MY FAMILY.

I am not a perfect person and neither did I come from a perfect family.
Since the moment that I can understand things, I knew that my life isn’t the one like the movies or TV shows I’ve used to watch back then.
My parents are not in good terms ever since I was 6 years old.
I would see my Mama cry in one corner.
I would also hear my Papa saying bad things to her.
They would separate for a while with me and my younger sister ending up with Mama.
As for Papa, he would try and try to win us back. And he does, successfully.

But after 10 years, they finished everything off.
Papa went away with a heavy heart.
Mama, me and my sister stayed here at our house with our Lolo and Lola.
As I finished High School, that was the only time I got to see, hug and talk to my Papa again.

I know, God has plans for my parents and separating them means a lot more than that.
As of now, my Mama continues to provide me and my sister the best things – material or not – and the unconditional parental love that my Papa isn’t capable of.

On the other hand, I haven’t seen my Papa for the last 3 years, I think.
But constant communication through text and calls are being made by him to check on me and my sister from time to time.

.MY FRIENDS.

When I was still a child, I told myself that I’d cherish every friendship I make. That I would do everything I can to take good care of those precious people I have earned as friends.
And I did meet a lot of people all throughout the years.

I also became a part of their lives even for just a short time.
I’ve made great friendships and learned a lot from them.

Sadly, some things fell apart.
Some went the other way.
Some chose to go with the flows of time.
Others have stayed but have also remained invisible towards me.

Thus, I told myself, again, NEVER call your friends as “best” friends. It never does last.
Pardon me for saying such negativity but at that time, it was all that’s in my mind.
I became bitter and soon got stucked to the fact that those friendships I’ve made in high school, will just stay in high school. Never in college; nor in the after-school life.

I decided to withdraw myself from them.
I’ve stopped making phone calls, texts, e-mails and other means of communication.
I completely blocked myself from all of them.
Even to those people who have known me since before puberty.
It was a total lock-down.
I even sent ALL the stuffs that would remind me of them on a box and evidently sealed it with packing tapes so as not to get tempted in opening them up.

Then it hit me.
Distancing myself from the people who have seen the real me and have stood by my side in the lowest point of my life was a BIG, BIG mistake.
I have deprived them of knowing me more.
Of seeing who and what I have become after high school.
And with that thought, I opened up myself again to these people.
They didn’t know what happened to me and I’m glad they still accepted me back as a friend.

Thanks guys staying with me…

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Sorry guys, at this moment

I can’t continue writing this post anymore…

My eyes are flooded with tears.

However…
Sharing the first 2 aspects of my life
Has quite lessened the burden I feel inside.
Til my next post…


-xoxo-